Matt is heading down to Tijuana Mexico for three weeks to work with a church, Centro Shalom with three other girls from church. I’m going to miss him desperately it will be the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve been married, but thanks to technology and my hubby who actually understands how to utilize it, a Mexico SIM card and International Phone Card have been ordered so we will be able to keep in close contact.
We are traveling tomorrow to celebrate another new marriage! I hold a much greater appreciation for weddings since my own. Before I experienced marriage and truly observed timeless marriages I would go to a wedding as one would attend a party. I’d enjoy the location and the food, I would visit with friends, I’d take in the number of bridemaids and their dress choices, I doted on how gorgeous the bride was and how proud and busting the groom was. I’d snap photos, I’d keep the napkin. I would go home with warm fuzzies, dreaming of my own special, sparkling day in a white dress (side note, my wedding day was indeed sparkling at 7°F microscopic ice crystals had frozen in the air called diamond dust)
But it wasn’t until I experienced this phenomenon, this sense, this confusion, this longing that made Matt more than just another friend or human that I hold close, as almost an extension of myself. Two became one. And that process continues and continues, it never ceases or finishes its continuous if the couple still pursue it.
I am confident in this, I’ve studied it at work. My subjects in this research include but are not limited to my residents who, after living 60+ years together in healthy marriage are so grown together, so inseparable, so melded and soldered together so one. These couples, these two people, it’s almost as literally as if two elements blended together form a compound, and this compound naturally is much more stable together than apart (side note: this statement sums up 5 semesters of my chemistry knowledge). And as beautiful and ancient as this love and connection is I cannot even begin to fathom what it feels like to lose that person you’ve developed into, it must be like death, you die, in so many ways you die, in some ways much worse than death. It is as if a person was physically ripped apart in some abhorrent medieval torture device and left as a half with half a body of scars to live out your days with. It is the single most heart wrenching thing I observe at work. Yet it’s a beautiful thing to
A marriage relationship must be the single most important relationship a human could ever hope to have. Of course this statement comes from someone who doesn’t have children, I may come to recant this… but it’s nonetheless a powerful and deeply spiritual.
So this is why I like to go to weddings, I like to go and witness the beginning of a sacred covenant between man, woman and God. I like to see the bride look at her groom and say true beautiful vows to him that last a lifetime. I like to see the groom gaze at his bride and vow to protect her and love her till death do they part. I like to see this and remember this and as I watch I think of Matt and I and our marriage, and it reminds me of the sacredness of those vows we once said, and it reminds me to daily live in accordance to those vows.
So yup, that is pretty much it. I’m pretty stoked, should be an awesome time!!!
The radishes have germinated. The seed sown has grown! Words do not express just how excited I am to see my plants grow and thrive. Working in the garden (so far, we will see when it’s hot outside and snakes linger) I could equate to a spiritual experience of sorts. I’m a naturalist at heart, nothing makes me feel the presence of Jesus more than being in the beauty of His creation. Walking through the garden has been amazing, just seeing the tomatoes grow new leaves, and the old fall away, watching the peppers wilt but then make a miraculous recovery or even the act of planting seeds with the hope they will grow has been significant.
Jesus makes so many parallels with growing, harvesting, sowing, reaping it has been on my mind lately, and a song we sang at church tonight “resonated” (pun absolutely intended) with me.
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be empited again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow
I’ve recieved seed. It’s my responsibility to sow, abandoning any worry or anxiousness I have for the future, I have but one choice. I cannot worry about having enough left over, I’m supposed to be emptied. I trust that I will be filled up again.
I have to trust.
But it’s SO HARD. I have to be okay with seemingly cruel, unfair acts that happen to those I love, I have no choice but trust that God has a plan and to Him be the glory, I have to trust, both hands wide open to Jesus, heart abandoned, soul surrendered.
I will trust that I will be filled once again.
My lack of trust has changed my relationship with Christ this year, I’m hesitant to give it positive or negative value, lets just say “change”.
Last summer Matt’s cousin was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when she was 6 monthes pregnant, she gave birth permaturely and passed away soon after diagnosis. My best friend growing up has two beautiful baby girls and found out that they both have a rare genetic disesase with a life expectancy of less than 3 years. I look at the pain, the ache, the misery, the anguished parents, the loney children and I cannot understand how God can get any glory from that. I sing the songs, I walk the walk, but I don’t get it. I pull away, my hands are not up in abandon, I don’t want to abandon my heart or surrender my soul to something that could cause so much anguish.
In my heart I know this is foolish.
My spiritual walk this year could be compared to my recent running experience: I run, I enjoy the burn for awhile, then my body starts to switch from glycogen stores to adipose tissue and I peace out, its too hard, this is where I stop, my friends encourage me to just keep running through “the wall”. But something makes me stop, I can’t continue, even though I’m told it gets way better after the wall, I can’t break through on my own.
I’ve hit a spiritual wall, this trust thing, this no worry, just trust, abandon heart, soul surrendering gig, I just stop. It’s as far as I want to go and as far as I’m confortable going.
and I miss out on the greater things God wants to teach me.
I’m just chillin’ in the kiddie pool with my water wings, inflatable shark and two noodles shaking my head “Nope. Not gonna go to the deep side, nuh uh.”
So, here I am, just chilling, missing out on all that stuff because of my own fear, my lack of faith.
My prayer: Jesus give me the faith I need to trust you, both hands faced up, heart surrendered, soul completely abandoned to you and your will, be that what it may. I choose to put my WHOLE heart in Your hands, I give you control, consume me, give me faith, may it bring You glory. Let this new way of thinking spread into my every thought, every action, every word I speak, that all that I am is surrendered to You.