Matt is heading down to Tijuana Mexico for three weeks to work with a church, Centro Shalom with three other girls from church. I’m going to miss him desperately it will be the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve been married, but thanks to technology and my hubby who actually understands how to utilize it, a Mexico SIM card and International Phone Card have been ordered so we will be able to keep in close contact.
We are traveling tomorrow to celebrate another new marriage! I hold a much greater appreciation for weddings since my own. Before I experienced marriage and truly observed timeless marriages I would go to a wedding as one would attend a party. I’d enjoy the location and the food, I would visit with friends, I’d take in the number of bridemaids and their dress choices, I doted on how gorgeous the bride was and how proud and busting the groom was. I’d snap photos, I’d keep the napkin. I would go home with warm fuzzies, dreaming of my own special, sparkling day in a white dress (side note, my wedding day was indeed sparkling at 7°F microscopic ice crystals had frozen in the air called diamond dust)
But it wasn’t until I experienced this phenomenon, this sense, this confusion, this longing that made Matt more than just another friend or human that I hold close, as almost an extension of myself. Two became one. And that process continues and continues, it never ceases or finishes its continuous if the couple still pursue it.
I am confident in this, I’ve studied it at work. My subjects in this research include but are not limited to my residents who, after living 60+ years together in healthy marriage are so grown together, so inseparable, so melded and soldered together so one. These couples, these two people, it’s almost as literally as if two elements blended together form a compound, and this compound naturally is much more stable together than apart (side note: this statement sums up 5 semesters of my chemistry knowledge). And as beautiful and ancient as this love and connection is I cannot even begin to fathom what it feels like to lose that person you’ve developed into, it must be like death, you die, in so many ways you die, in some ways much worse than death. It is as if a person was physically ripped apart in some abhorrent medieval torture device and left as a half with half a body of scars to live out your days with. It is the single most heart wrenching thing I observe at work. Yet it’s a beautiful thing to
A marriage relationship must be the single most important relationship a human could ever hope to have. Of course this statement comes from someone who doesn’t have children, I may come to recant this… but it’s nonetheless a powerful and deeply spiritual.
So this is why I like to go to weddings, I like to go and witness the beginning of a sacred covenant between man, woman and God. I like to see the bride look at her groom and say true beautiful vows to him that last a lifetime. I like to see the groom gaze at his bride and vow to protect her and love her till death do they part. I like to see this and remember this and as I watch I think of Matt and I and our marriage, and it reminds me of the sacredness of those vows we once said, and it reminds me to daily live in accordance to those vows.
So yup, that is pretty much it. I’m pretty stoked, should be an awesome time!!!
The radishes have germinated. The seed sown has grown! Words do not express just how excited I am to see my plants grow and thrive. Working in the garden (so far, we will see when it’s hot outside and snakes linger) I could equate to a spiritual experience of sorts. I’m a naturalist at heart, nothing makes me feel the presence of Jesus more than being in the beauty of His creation. Walking through the garden has been amazing, just seeing the tomatoes grow new leaves, and the old fall away, watching the peppers wilt but then make a miraculous recovery or even the act of planting seeds with the hope they will grow has been significant.
Jesus makes so many parallels with growing, harvesting, sowing, reaping it has been on my mind lately, and a song we sang at church tonight “resonated” (pun absolutely intended) with me.
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be empited again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow
I’ve recieved seed. It’s my responsibility to sow, abandoning any worry or anxiousness I have for the future, I have but one choice. I cannot worry about having enough left over, I’m supposed to be emptied. I trust that I will be filled up again.
I have to trust.
But it’s SO HARD. I have to be okay with seemingly cruel, unfair acts that happen to those I love, I have no choice but trust that God has a plan and to Him be the glory, I have to trust, both hands wide open to Jesus, heart abandoned, soul surrendered.
I will trust that I will be filled once again.
My lack of trust has changed my relationship with Christ this year, I’m hesitant to give it positive or negative value, lets just say “change”.
Last summer Matt’s cousin was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when she was 6 monthes pregnant, she gave birth permaturely and passed away soon after diagnosis. My best friend growing up has two beautiful baby girls and found out that they both have a rare genetic disesase with a life expectancy of less than 3 years. I look at the pain, the ache, the misery, the anguished parents, the loney children and I cannot understand how God can get any glory from that. I sing the songs, I walk the walk, but I don’t get it. I pull away, my hands are not up in abandon, I don’t want to abandon my heart or surrender my soul to something that could cause so much anguish.
In my heart I know this is foolish.
My spiritual walk this year could be compared to my recent running experience: I run, I enjoy the burn for awhile, then my body starts to switch from glycogen stores to adipose tissue and I peace out, its too hard, this is where I stop, my friends encourage me to just keep running through “the wall”. But something makes me stop, I can’t continue, even though I’m told it gets way better after the wall, I can’t break through on my own.
I’ve hit a spiritual wall, this trust thing, this no worry, just trust, abandon heart, soul surrendering gig, I just stop. It’s as far as I want to go and as far as I’m confortable going.
and I miss out on the greater things God wants to teach me.
I’m just chillin’ in the kiddie pool with my water wings, inflatable shark and two noodles shaking my head “Nope. Not gonna go to the deep side, nuh uh.”
So, here I am, just chilling, missing out on all that stuff because of my own fear, my lack of faith.
My prayer: Jesus give me the faith I need to trust you, both hands faced up, heart surrendered, soul completely abandoned to you and your will, be that what it may. I choose to put my WHOLE heart in Your hands, I give you control, consume me, give me faith, may it bring You glory. Let this new way of thinking spread into my every thought, every action, every word I speak, that all that I am is surrendered to You.
So I got a job! Woo hoo! Yes… finding a job has not been my strong suit this semester (and yes I still measure time in semesters even though I’m no longer a student, I plan on doing this until I leave Pullman, it makes things simpler).
My job is cleaning apartments for a huge apartment complex in Pulllman, they are ever expanding and rarely give your deposit back, I now know why.
ANYWAY. I’ve been cleaning quite dirty apartments for the past 3 days, the dirty scale goes like this
White = brand spanking new, glowing with clean , 1/2 of work, no charge to the former tenent
Green = Pretty gosh darn clean, cleaner than I leave an apt, but not up to DAB… excuse me… the “complex’s” standards
Yellow = This is probably where I leave my apts, clean for all intents and purposes, but not shining, a few little messes.
Red = Code red, when things get gross, lots of crumbs, stains, holes in walls, dirty dirty dirty (there is the biggest difference between yellow and red, there should probably be orange too).
Black = This makes me cringe in fear. In one word: FILTHY, usually black is when tenents simply move out, no cleaning, and usually when the tenent was less than sanitary as well.
On my first day, my first apartment was code Black, uhg, 10 hours and a few haulted gag reflexes later we had a clean apt ready for new life. It’s grunt work, but something interesting, and even though the tasks are menial I still find solace in them and satisfaction in a job well done. And most importantly it pays! And that I’m very very thankful for!
What fascinates me is how much I can know about the former tenent from merely cleaning up their sh** (excuse me, but on occasion, I mean the former word quite literally). I know whether it was a women (foundation splashes on the mirror and behind bathroom sink, EVERYTIME), or a man (toliet… I think you know where I’m going).
What the person ate (tomato sauce splatters, broken pasta on floor, mass quantities of cheese its under stove, crusty green SOMETHING in fridge) or whether they cooked much at all, the oven fan is a dead give away.
Whether the person cuts their nails routinely or only when their fellow classmate cry out “OMG what is that growing out of your toe???”
What sort of hair you had… short blonde or long curly brunette locks (oddly enough all over the fridge… any answer on that mystery?)
I know whether you smoked, if you had lots of furniture, if you spilled blue koolade down your wall, if you opened your window often, if you stored your garbage under the sink, if you used your deck, if you had a bike, if you wore big muddy boots, if you hung up your clothes, if you took bubble bathes, if you used your garbage disposal, and a host of other random things, which I plan on continuing to document.
I have put together rough descriptions for the former tenets while scrubbing the linoleum, mostly to past the time and some out of interest. Almost could be considered a form of identity theft…
and although my sexist self would consider the male apartment to be loads worse than the female apartment, my opinions have been called into question.
It’s May! I love May in the Palouse, everything turns green, and copious amounts of tulips bloom (some in my own yard, not by my own planting even, yay!). I love green anyway, it is my favorite color afterall, but the natural greens, ones when reproduced into unnatural things lose all their glory, are my favorite. The green in the Palouse is refreshing, not aqua or teal but a rich nearly intoxicating green. Even walking down Greek Row on my way to work I marveled at the Sororiety lawns, just beautiful, bright, deliciously green. And I inturn marveled at how I forgot how truly beautiful it is.
It has also been stormy this week, so the mix of quickly moving dark, purple clouds, mixed with red and pink tulips and the heavenly greens has made the whole Palouse look like a edited picture, where you turn the saturation levels way up so everything is dark, strong colors, quite unlike the muted, grey/brown yuckiness in the winter.
It fills my soul.
I wonder if that is what God intended? The winter fast from color makes the spring time so much more anticipated and desirable. Even if the warmer weather wasn’t enough the color and the variety in weather of spring and summer. I’m thankful for color. How it redeems this land from the pastels and dreariness is so odd. Although I do note subtle signs of spring like crocuses or buds or poplar blossoms it always surprises me, all of a sudden without warning it’s gorgeous outside, and even my unmanicured back yard is glowing!
Life and growth and change is much the same way, small indicators here and there, but when you compare something to that which is was, but is no longer it’s striking! Growth happens in that! I’m thinking about Village, what we should talk about tonight, the sermon was on prayer, but I think it might be more meaningful and fitting to finish out the year with a summery of sorts. And just talk about important moments of the last school year and share about what we’ve learned, where we have grown, where we have suceeded, failed, loved, hated, felt pain, felt triumph and for better or worse how we’ve changed.
Change just like the shift of demoralizing browns of February to life giving greens of May!
First post! So, I’m new to the blogging world, I’m a little horrified that I’m actually doing this. I want to do it for the right reasons, and not just as an outlet for my ever expanding self absorption, so I will start by outlining my goals and self-imposed “rules” for this blog. And when I wander from my initial reasonings… I can go back to blog post numero uno and remember my original purpose.
Reason 1. This blog will not be used for complaining about my incredibly blessed life, blessed not by good fortune entirely, mind you, but by the amazing redemptive love of Jesus, I’ve been big on redemption lately, look out for a blog on redemption coming to theatres soon, rabbit trail, back to business…
Reason 2. This blog will be used for self discovery and introspective thinking, to gather more meaning from each precious day, instead of just living inside my brain occasionally thinking “Oh that is cool and meaningful!” but never truly meditating and applying those meaningful moments and interactions to my life for a heart change.
Reason 3. This blog will contain the story of a journey, as sappy or simple as it might be, I want to be able to look back in 1 month, 1 year, 3 years and think “ah good, I think I’ve grown some”
Reason 4. This blog is not here to impress ANYONE! I’m a crappy speller (can you tell allready?) and due to some residual homeschoolness I’m not a very focused writer either, my life is simple, I live day to day doing normal things. Such will be the topic of this blog. So hello Matt, Beka, Jill, Dorothy, Ashley & Amanda!
Reason 5. The reason I’m blogging and not journaling is that…
I don’t know.
I think there is a certain amount of accountability wanted here, just that daily, bi-weekly etc I write down my thoughts, feelings, experiences for future reference and introspection, hopefully reason 5 doesn’t nullify reason 4.
Those are all my Blog writing reasons I have thus far. More might be added as I process it further.